October 26, 2017 by hochmancarter
Written by Carter Hochman
- Milky Way: Let’s face it: When you dreadfully attempt to copy Snickers’ “You’re not you when you’re hungry” ad campaign with “Sorry, I was eating a Milky Way,” and taste like a mediocre attempt at chocolate, peanuts, and caramel… you’re heading straight to the bottom of the list.
- Mounds: I think most of us can agree that coconut shouldn’t be anywhere near candy in general, and these were those candies that you found when you were cleaning out your pantry from Halloween in January.
- Candy Corn: Personally, I don’t understand all the flack that candy corn gets. It’s a classic candy when you think of Halloween. I, myself, like it. However, considering the apparent fact that 95% of my friends can’t stand it, it’s earning a place towards the back.
- DOTS: Dots are delicious, but when I have to spend the following 10 minutes after I eat them trying to get them unstuck from the back of my teeth or the roof of my mouth, it takes away from the overall experience and just ends up pissing me off. And for that, they lost a bunch of spots on my rankings.
- Hershey’s bars: The classic of classic candies. It’s hard to hate on the good ol’ Hershey bar. My only criticism is I feel like absolute garbage after eating one. However, I still eat them. #NoRagrets
- Skittles: This one’s for you Marshawn Lynch. I can’t remember the last time I opened a bag of Skittles and didn’t finish the whole thing and then gazed at the palm of my hand as the colors of the candies had rubbed off.
- Snickers: Step aside Milky Way, but this slogan isn’t about to be horribly paraphrased like a college kid doing their research paper at 2am desperate to get out any kind of content. Plus, it just tastes better, so take that.
- Twix: Alright now Snickers, take it easy. I think we have you beat in the whole chocolate + caramel game. And let’s also settle this right Twix vs left Twix thing: they’re both delicious. As a kid, it was hard not to be stoked when I saw those golden wrappers fall out of my pillowcase. I knew those would be the first ones I ate, making sure anyone else in my household never ate them when I wasn’t looking.
- Reese’s: Let me be clear, I’m talking about Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, not Reese’s Pieces. Whole different story with the pieces. Unless you’re allergic to peanut butter, I don’t see how in any form or nature you could possibly have any distaste for Reese’s. When they say it’s the perfect combination of chocolate and peanut butter, they sure as hell nailed it.
- Kit-Kat: Break me off a piece of that #1 candy on my list. There’s not a lot of candies out there that are delicious, and make you feel good as you break it off into more pieces. By the way, let me say this, if you eat a Kit-Kat bar without splitting up the pieces, you’re an animal and need to reevaluate how you live your life.