Halloween candy power rankings: The final take

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October 31, 2017 by squish

Squish does not hold any punches in his rankings. (Adam Burt/The Nosebleeds)

Written by Al Salucco

Growing up in Salem made Halloween special. Growing up fat made it heaven. Ya boy has an iron stomach and my candy bag would never last more than a week – my mother’s hiding places were bottom tier and I had a nose for chocolate. Candy corn sucks.

10. 100 Grand

I f*ck with these even though they look like Sam Burnham’s fantasy team – straight dog shit.

9. Kit Kat

The perfect chocolate to crunch ratio and God bless those who give out king sized.

8. Twizzlers

I’m not talking about the single long Twizzlers or even a big bag of them. I want the weird shaped twists or the cherry flavored ones. I say weird shaped twists because I don’t know what they are and actually thinking about them makes me think they should be higher. It’s too bad I’m lazy and already numbered the article. Go Chiefs.

7. Nerds

I eat as much nerds as I stuffed nerds in lockers in middle school. I actually didn’t do that and got pushed off a bike on Halloween in 7th grade and got my candy stolen. True story, stay woke.

6. Crunch

Mike Paige knows what he is talking about. Have you seen the kid? He loves his candy. The chocolate in this little blocks of love tastes different than a lot of the other candy in question and I’m upset that I don’t eat it as much as the others on this list.

5. Reese’s Pieces

They are a controlled substance and would be higher if I didn’t eat these in every other month of the year.

4. Baby Ruth

It’s a classic, clean looking wrapper and the simplicity is executed to perfection. Rumor has it that if you give me one of these I will put out. Sup, ladies.

3. Milk Chocolate Flipz

White chocolate flips rival cancer when it comes to disease. That isn’t even hyperbole. I honestly believe there is a link there that should be further explored as well as mandatory therapy for whomever purchases the blasphemous food item. Oh, and milk chocolate flipz are God tier.

2. Milky Way Midnight

Nothing gets me in the mood more than dark chocolate – not you Marlon. This dark chocolate won’t snore too loud and keep me up. However, both of the aforementioned dark chocolate items can often be found on the corners of my mouth.

  1. Take 5

The undeniable GOAT. So simple yet so sensual. The best part is that nobody likes them so they give them all to me.

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