November 1, 2017 by jessepell
Written by Jesse Pelletier
In honor of the Halloween season, we’re asking our writers some of the scariest “Would You Rather?” questions in sports. We’ve got five downright frightening choices lined up that will force our writers to pick the lesser of two evils. We’ll assess the results afterwards. Batter up!
Your team is down by five on their own 20 yard line with 2:30 on the clock. As your quarterback, WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE:
A. Deshone Kizer
B. Brett Favre?
RESULTS: 4-0 in favor of Brett Favre. And remember: this is Halloween, not April Fool’s. We’re seriously taking Favre unanimously here. For me personally, it’s a tough decision. We’re not considering the rest of the talent on the field, so in my eyes I just want to take the experience. On the flip side, Deshone Kizer doesn’t exactly have elite offensive weapons. Perhaps he could get the job done with the right crew around him.
For Carter Cotrupi, this wasn’t as difficult. His response: “If you think I’m sleeping on the big #4 for one second, then you’re a jabroni. Discount double-check yourself before even considering Kizer as a professional quarterback.”
Is it getting hot in here?
You’re trick or treating with your bros. Since you’re winless in your Fantasy Football league, they get to choose your costume. WOULD YOU RATHER THEY CHOOSE:
A. Elsa, from Disney’s “Frozen”
B. Your least favorite player on your most hated sports team?
RESULTS: 3-1 in favor of Elsa. The lone deviant? Carter Hochman. No word on who that least favorite player would be, though. I could understand if it’s a beach volleyball player, but otherwise I’m taking the Elsa costume all day long. It would give me a great story for the rest of my life, and it would be a great story for every house we visit. Plus maybe they’d let me take all those leftover Crunch bars nobody else wanted.
Adam Burt didn’t find this too hard, either: “I would much rather be a Disney character and dig deep into the role of Elsa from Frozen than be my least favorite athlete from my most hated sports team. And I think this goes for all sports whether I was deciding between, NFL, MLB, NBA, NHL, etc.” He also gave us a little Easter egg this Halloween: “Who are my most hated athletes, you might be asking yourselves? Article soon.”
It’s on record, bud. No turning back now.
WOULD YOU RATHER:
A. Ride a bull in a PBR event for five seconds
B. Stand behind the Bengals’ offensive line protecting you from a healthy Texans’ defensive line for five seconds?
RESULTS: 2-2. Hochman and I aren’t taking our chances in the saddle, but Adam and Coach Carter are ready to grab the bull by the horns. Adam once again has no hesitation here, saying “Ride a bull is the only logical answer to this question. He also said he’d take the most aggressive bull available “before I take a lick from Watt or Clowney unblocked.” Clearly not high on the Bengals’ O-line.
Coach Carter has a different take, adding “I’m not trying to get embarrassed on national television.” It’s a valid point; I don’t know a single person who actually watches PBR. It’s like that old saying: if you ride a bull and nobody is around to see it, did you still die? In the eyes of Coach, perhaps not.
As the Super Bowl announcer, WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE:
A. Colin Cowherd
B. Rex Ryan?
RESULTS: 4-0 in favor of Rex Ryan. By my count, it’s the first time he’s ever gone 4-0. And that’s not to say we LIKE Rexy, we just really don’t like Cowherd. Adam is of the mindset that Ryan is better entertainment value, and he might be tolerable with the right analyst. Coach Carter is sticking to the entertainment value argument, but in a different context: “Before the broadcast starts, you set up a Golden Corral-tier buffet for the big guy. Then you sabotage the elevator, and it will take the NFL’s first triple-overtime in Super Bowl history before Rex Ryan even considers taking the stairs.”
Personally, I don’t think we even need to sabotage the elevator. I’d pay to see the man chow down.
With the World Series on the line, WOULD YOU RATHER:
A. Hit against Clayton Kershaw
B. Pitch to Jose Altuve?
RESULTS: 2-2. Coach Carter and I are taking our chances with the potential MVP, while Hochman and Adam are facing Kershaw. Kershaw seems to have finally found playoff success, but that’s not stopping two of our writers. Adam does admit that he’s “not actually planning to strategize how I would hit off Kershaw …. I’m just saying if I was in this situation I would rather dig in against Kershaw, take a big daddy hack at the first pitch, and pretend I pulled something in my chest and have this situation passed off to a teammate.” How glamorous.
I’d rather take the mound against Altuve. The last time he saw 65 mph was probably a high school curveball, so maybe it would throw him off to see 65 mph coming in straight from me. It would probably look so juicy, I bet I could get him to hack at a ball that he can’t get good wood on. And even if he did, he could fly out to the warning track. I’m sticking to the “good baseball players still fail 70% of the time” theory.
Coach Carter is following suit for two reasons. First off, he says “My Little League career was built on solid defensive effort, not my swing.” He does have a plan for facing Altuve: “The first time I struck out a 6th grader with my submarine pitch, I felt alive. It might just be dumb enough to work.” While we’ll never have the fortune of finding out, I do have one last question: was his Little League career build on solid defensive effort, or on solid defense? We may never have the fortune of finding that out, either.