November 22, 2017 by coachcarter717
Written by Carter Cotrupi
East Rutherford, New Jersey is the home to two NFL teams that I truly despise. One team is the New York Giants led by tanking guru, Ben Mac-a-Doodle-Doo. The other team is the New York Jets, the subject of my eternal wrath.
Sitting at 4-6, Jets players have already started making their golf plans for the long offseason. The last time anyone thought to take the team seriously was when the defensive-minded Rex Ryan was at the helm. Imagine that.
I almost went against the idea of trashing on the New York Jets because of the substantial amount of pity I have for them. But then I quickly remembered how annoying and heathenish Jets fans are and my fingers started typing away.
Here is a list of five awful things in this world that are still better than being a Jets fan:
- Doing the gallon milk chugging challenge
The milk jug challenge is a challenge where one person must drink a gallon of milk in one hour, a feat that is physically impossible for the average person to accomplish. The human stomach is not designed to hold one gallon of dairy while the digestive track gets to work. Most people feel the effects of the slow-processing liquid death about ¾ of the way through the challenge. You can assume what happens next when the body is taking on too much substance than it can handle. Hold my hair back, Becky.
You sit there, head-first, doing your best impression of an urban ostrich into a trash bin. In the back of your mind, past all the reconsideration of the people you’ve surrounded yourself with that suggested such a stupid challenge, you take comfort in the fact that you root for an NFL team that isn’t the Jets. Go 49ers?
- Not getting that promotion you wanted
You stare across the maze of cubicles at the lone glass office housing several figures who are popping champagne and laughing at someone’s crazy joke. At the center of the celebration is Dave. Stupid, jerk bag Dave. Dave is that guy in class who would get an A+ just for writing his name on the 45-slide PowerPoint presentation that the rest of your group labored over for weeks. Dave was the first guy who introduced himself at your first day on the job. You’ve had guys night out at the sports bar with him and your other work buds countless times, forgetting through the river of drinks that he’s the only one who misplaces his wallet whenever the bill comes. Dave is the guy who put on a big smile and smooched your boss’ ass until the sun came up and just stole the senior management position that you have worked tirelessly for the past five years.
You look at a new notification pop up on your iPhone and see, “Highlights from the Lions’ 16-6 win over the Jets” and you smile. The world is still your oyster.
- Being stranded on a deserted island
You’ve seen the movie “Castaway”, you know how the story goes. One minute, you’re a regular civilian trying to escape the lull of the daily struggle by vacationing in the Caribbean. The next, a Alfred Hitchcock-sized flock of birds divebombs one of the engines and sends your plane into a downward spiral. You wake up several minutes later, the tides of destiny washing your body up on the sandy shores of some no-named island. Other than the occasional crab picking through the sand dunes, no signs of life exist. You are truly alone.
You spend the next few months devolving into primal instincts. Anything that moves and looks edible is eaten and the dangers of the wild are second only to your intense will to survive. Your face is riddled with loose hairs as you never could truly grow a full beard. Your awareness of your own putrid wild stench has faded behind your other senses. Your philosophy degree can only take you so far in this forgotten jungle.
Finally, the day comes when you hear the roar of a distant plane flying miles above the terrain. After several minutes, a small parachute deploys on a care package floating just 20 yards outside the coast. You drag the crate back onto the beach and start to examine its forest green and white exterior. Inside, the scent of a Fat Rooster Hot Chicken Sandwich fills your nostrils and you unwrap the bundle inside to reveal a jersey bearing the number 15 and the word “McCown” pleated into the back of the shoulders.
Sadly, liberation from your isolated hell-scape has not arrived just yet. You promptly chuck the useless items into the ocean where not even the creatures in the depths of the abyss will accept them.
- Your first heartbreak
You’re young, stupid, and in love. You thought Emily would be the only person by your side for the rest of your life. You had plans to go to the same college, move into an apartment together, start a family. Your innocent mind could not think of an obstacle that the strength of your love couldn’t conquer. Until she texted you last Thursday after school.
You had plans to study for the big History exam together. But what you read in that text was not a simple change of plans, it was a change of life as you know it.
“Ur a rlly nice guy *smiley face* but Brad got his driver’s license and he said he can totes drive me to the mall #shopping #gettotwerk n e time I want. So I’m goin out w/ him now *heart eyes emoji*, ull b ok I’m sure *thumbs up emoji*”
The rest of the semester of your freshman year is spent wandering aimlessly around the hallways. You sign up for Guitar I and Intro to Poetry to start the next school year. You go home and listen to your Spotify playlist of just Adele, Bon Iver, and that one Daniel Powter song while writing your own lyrics about birds going their separate ways and how the moon seems to lose its complexion without the love you once had.
Your mom knocks on your door and says that her and your father want to have a heart-to-heart about your troubles. So, the three of you sit at the kitchen table with a plate of double-chocolate chip cookies and you start to begin a new path of redemption on the road to growing up. You glance over at the tv on in the background and watch the local Indiana news channel cover the LA Rams’ 46-9 thrashing of the Colts. You can’t help but smirk and think about how the sharp betrayal of love pales in comparison to watching the Jets on a weekly basis.
- The sudden realization that we are ants in the eyes of the ever-expanding universe that could unravel and completely erase our all of humankind’s existence at a moment’s notice
Seriously, if Earth was to somehow implode due to manmade seismic activity or the inevitable nuclear super-war, how would consciousness exist outside of our limited comprehension? Are there other lifeforms out there more evolved with civilizations built upon concepts and ideals far superior to what we consider to be insurmountable strides in science and lifetime discovery? Are we just a twinkle in the eye of some supreme meta-being that navigates the expanse of a land far outside anything our tiny human brains could even understand?
Who knows. One thing is for certain, the agonizing torment and suffering that comes with being a Jets fan transcends all of time and space as we know it.
This holiday season, embrace your loved ones and be thankful that you root for a team that isn’t the New York Jets.