November 22, 2017 by squish
(Courtesy of Howard Smith/USA TODAY)
Written by Al “Squish” Salucco
It’s hate week here at The Nosebleeds and lord knows that we are a bunch of haters with a WordPress account. I love me a good jersey regardless of the style. Throwback, modern and clean jerseys alike, I’m usually a fan. But, some NFL franchises should’ve looked in the mirror before they ordered these in bulk.
6. Jacksonville Jaguars color rush
(Courtesy of AP Photo/Chris O’Meara)
I dig the color rush jerseys even though it’s part of a brainwashing campaign Roger Goodell and the NFL have started to blind us from seeing shitty football. (Yes, Blake Bortles peed his pants in this photo true story also peep the sweaty pits.)
The helmets are badass don’t get me wrong, but this mustard/gold nonsense looks like the aftermath of a bad night of drinking. I would’ve rather seen their color rush be all blacks with the gold and blue trim.
5. Pittsburgh Steelers 80th anniversary jersey (bumblebee)
(Courtesy of Joe Sargent/Getty Images)
These 1934 Pittsburgh Pirates football team inspired jerseys make the Steeler look like inmates. I have a couple of tips for the guys who designed this.
a. If you have to put the numbers in a white box then maybe the jersey is too busy.
b. Horizontal stripes make you look fat, and if you’re already fat they make you look fat af.
c. They are ugly. Stop scaring children.
d. Ebola > these jerseys
But, I have great news. The Steelers have recently retired these jerseys! Let’s just hope this isn’t another Brett Favre situation.
4. Green Bay Packers 80th anniversary jersey
Clay Matthews’ celebration looks like he’s going number 2 and his pants agree. Any throwback with tan pants gives me a mini stroke but the brown helmet here makes it worse.
I know these are an homage to the Acme Packers and the colors are true, but what where they thinking? Simple is a good thing but not this simple. It’s just a yellow circle…c’mon man.
In the 20’s the Pack were known as the Big Bay Blues…the original Big Baller Brand. BBB.
3. Philadelphia Eagles 1934 throwback
(Courtesy of Howard Smith/USA TODAY)
I’m all for promoting a franchises history, but why were the jerseys of these teams always uglier than Sam Burnham’s “beard”? Seriously, these Eagles jerseys may be the worst thing about Donovan McNabb’s career.
Bright yellow and powder blue are a great combo, just ask UCLA and the Chargers, but this is awful execution. I’ve never been a fan of the t’style jerseys where the color changes when the collar ends either.
2. Denver Broncos 50th anniversary jersey
(Courtesy of Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.
One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.
He bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”
The First Mate quickly got the Captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” And once again the battle was on!
The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid.” The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, ‘Bring me my brown pants!!!’
- Chicago Bears NFL 75th anniversary jersey
These don’t even look like Bears jerseys…they’re blue and yellow. The back of this jersey is just plain blue and if you’re going to make something this blasphemous you have to go all out.
As bad as the bumblebee jerseys are they at least had a better solution to the number on a busy jersey problem. These ids just slapped it on the chest. And, of course, a bad jersey would not be complete without the standard tan pants.
They also look eerily similar to these Steelers jerseys worn in the same season.