September 15, 2018 by coachcarter717
(Cover image created by Adam Burt, The Nosebleeds)
By Carter Cotrupi
Football is back and that means the NFFL (Nosebleeds Fantasy Football League) is in full swing! This season will feature plenty more action thanks to a new face added to the mix (welcome, Carter Hochman!)
Week 1 kicked off the fantasy season with a handful of unusually high-scoring matchups. Only 2 of the 12 NFFL teams (Jimmy is My Homie G. and Straight Cash Homie) failed to break 100 points to start the season. Mr. Draft Kings himself, Squish, decided to throw up a hefty 163.74 to take first place in the standings with newcomer Sunday Funday (Hochman) not far behind with 145.24.
Here are the standings after Week 1:
- Squish (163.74)
- Sunday Funday (145.24)
- Free Kaepernick (125.78)
- Deez Nuts (123.96)
- Wreck League (114.46)
- Titsburgh Feelers (104.40)
- Brian’s Team (129.82)
- Diddler on the Roof (127.54)
- Is Joe Flacco Elite? (124.46)
- my f**king sick team (119.44)
- Jimmy is My Homie G. (94.64)
A couple of bad lineup decisions cost me this one. Greg the Leg did his part Monday night to keep me in the game, but Brandin Cooks only needed 4 points to crush the dream. It’s time to start putting emotions aside and make the hard cuts.
- Straight Cash Homie (87.62)
I met up with the owner of the current last place team, Adam Burt. “You absolutely hate to start the season with a loss, and there’s not much else to it”, said Burt.
He went on to address one of the key factors in his Week 1 performance, “Leonard Fournette already having hammy (hamstring) issues make me sick.”
When asked about his plans for Week 2, Burt hinted at one player he has complete faith in, “I guess I’m going to have to double my dose of Goff syrup in Week 2.”
Standout Stars of the Week
Ryan Fitzpatrick (42.28 points): I may speak for everyone in the Nosebleeds when I say that no one expected this kind of performance from The Beard against New Orleans. The perennial veteran backup QB threw for 417 yards and 4 touchdowns on the day and made everyone second-guess the Saints’ defensive improvements. FitzMagic probably won’t overtake Winston for the starting gig in Tampa Bay, but he is a great security blanket to have in the bag.
James Conner (34.20 points): A good preseason performance might not translate into regular season production. But this was not the case for rookie RB James Conner in the absence of superstar RB Le’veon Bell. This may have been the one chance that Conner had to make a lasting impression before Bell gets back on the field. If so, then the rookie did a decent job at making Bell’s contract negotiations that much more difficult to finalize.
Detroit Lions D/ST (Too many points for the New York Jets): Local reports in New York suggest Commissioner Goodell had to decline Todd Bowles’ request to play Detroit for the remaining 15 games in their regular season schedule.
Oh, Matt Patricia. You had the perfect opportunity to make a good first impression to the Detroit fanbase against a historically mediocre team like the Jets. Did you forget to make a gameplan that included stopping the other team from scoring points, Mr. Defense? Get back to the drawing board because you made Sam Darnold look like New York’s savior on Monday night.
Sit-Down Stooges of the Week
David Johnson (17.70 points): The third-year star running back kept his fantasy value thanks to a goal-line touchdown run very late in the game. Arizona’s o-line looked abysmal and new QB1 Sam Bradford could not connect with any of his receivers besides Larry Fitzgerald. Johnson could be in for a long season if the Cardinals can’t find an offensive identity soon.
Buffalo D/ST (0.00 points): Buffalo, you guys made Joe Flacco look elite…that’s disgusting.
Nick Foles (6.08 points): 117 yards, 0 TDs, and 1 INT. The only thing more depressing about Foles’ Week 1 performance against the Falcons is the reminder that this backup QB beat the Patriots in the Superbowl last year. Just think about that for a minute.
Matchup of the Week: my f**king sick team (119.44 vs 123.96) Deez Nuts
Week 1 was all about pushing the narrative back on track for Marlon and Deez Nuts made a statement against John Avino (my f**king sick team). Luck was on Marlon’s side this week as Tampa Bay and New Orleans both decided to abandon not to play defense in a good old fashioned shootout. All three of Deez Nuts’ Nola players (Brees, Thomas, Ginn Jr.) put the team on their back with a combined 89.86 points.
Mike Evans (27.70 points) and Todd Gurley III (23.70 points) were the only players that met their projected fantasy point value in Week 1 for my f**king sick team. Cam Newton (18.24 points) and Alex Collins (6.90 points) were victims of bad game scripts fantasy-wise. Carolina vs. Dallas was a strange game to watch in general and the Ravens blew out the Bills so badly that Collins was not needed in the second half at all.
Unfortunately for John, Tyreek Hill hogged all the attention from rookie QB Patrick Maholmes, leaving TE Travis Kelce with a whopping 1.60 point performance. This is an anomaly for a stud like Kelce, it just happened to come at an inopportune time in a close matchup.
Clearly, Marlon has a chip on his shoulder heading into the 2nd NFFL season. Yes, the chip is rather large and named Adam Burt. Circle Week 3 on your calendars, folks. This is going to be a bloodbath.